Wheeler's FCBA Speech Loaded With Jabs at ISPs Ahead of Oral Argument

Circuit. He joked that the “light of my life” and the “person who inspires me every day to get up” is Judge David Tatel, seen as a key judge in that case (see 1510280052). Wheeler called the dinner the “pre-argument tailgate” for the telecom lawyers in the room. He referred to Uber surge pricing likely that evening, and said NCTA Chairman Michael Powell “blames it on Title II,” the part of the Communications Act that Wheeler reclassified broadband under in the net neutrality order, which is under legal challenge. Title II was a running joke of Wheeler’s through the night. He singled out Comcast attendees within the first five minutes of a 38-minute speech. “If they want more wine, it’s $35 a bottle,” Wheeler declared. “And don’t consider it a wine cap. Just think of it as a wine usage plan.” He mocked ISPs again on the FCC’s order to pre-empt state laws limiting municipal broadband networks, saying ISPs opposed the order in the “hotly debated” issue. “And on the other side, you had elected officials, small business owners, innovators, entrepreneurs, policy experts, competition advocates, teachers, doctors, parents, social workers, nuns, puppies, kittens and the original Broadway cast of Hamilton.” He tallied off different industry consolidation proposals under consideration, rejected and approved from the past year. “I just worry that if Time Warner gets hurt again, they could just lock themselves in their room, listen to Adele, eat ice cream straight out of the carton and read John Malone’s old love letters,” Wheeler said of Charter Communications’ proposed buy of TWC after a failed bid by Comcast. Malone is Charter’s largest shareholder. Wheeler joked that Dish Network Board Chairman Charlie Ergen was a victim of the extramarital dating website Ashley Madison hack: “Poor Charlie Ergen … no one responded.” Wheeler judged “hilarious” Verizon suing to overturn the FCC’s old net neutrality order only to return and advocate for the very proposal when confronted later with the Title II possibility. He also alluded to the FCC’s forthcoming website electronic comment filing system: “It’s the finest ECFS in the world,” he said, assuming the bombastic rhetoric of GOP presidential contender Donald Trump. “It’s huge! We’re going to make ECFS great again.” He ribbed FanDuel and DraftKings, saying they sponsored the evening, and showed a video of “a new business venture” called “Fanta-CBA,” an imagined fantasy league showing telecom lawyers. The video featured cameos from NTIA Administrator Larry Strickling, Wheeler Chief of Staff Ruth Milkman, CTIA President Meredith Baker, Powell and Andrew Schwartzman, senior counselor at the Georgetown Institute for Public Representation. “No more guard bands to cut down interference,” Wheeler said of Trump’s imagined spectrum plan. “Instead he’s gonna build a wall. Mexico will pay for it.” He said Trump was “a very big proponent of white spaces.” Other Wheeler bits included playing Drake’s “Hotline Bling” alongside a video clip of Wheeler’s hand gestures on repeat from a congressional hearing -- he accused Drake of picking up the gestures as dance moves. He donned a smoking jacket in front of an imaginary fire at one point to tell a bedtime story: “'Twas the night before argument, and back at his home, my poor general counsel sits fretting, alone … .”